what little girls are made of…


contrary to popular belief, little girls are NOT made of sugar, spice, or all other things nice. the truth of the matter is, little girls are made up of make-up, little boy crushes, and their mother’s high heels. seeing as how i’ve burst this bubble, i’ll just run to home plate and reveal to the misinformed public that little boys are just as incorrectly made up of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. every grown man knows that the recipe for little boys are dreading their next bath, halloween costumes, and wondering when he and dad can shave together. cooties are still in contention. how did i discover these truths? well, i’ll tell you how i came to the first conclusion, and you must agree the second logically follows.

the epiphany came to me when i was busy about my chores. after jenga oh-so-graciously decided to “assist” me in sorting my laundry (she must be color-blind; she should be hiding under the darks…), i finally succumbed to the long-delayed task of sorting through and discarding my massive stores of…make-up.

anyone who knows me will tell you that i don’t wear much make-up. what i use on a daily basis fits in the palm of my hand, and i’ve had my elizabeth arden eyeliner so long it’s been discontinued. how then, i ask, did this happen? six make-up bags and a drawer full of ten years of new-and-still-in-the-packages make-up! i sat down and began to sort through the chaos. as i separated items and organized them by product (for the men, that means either lips, eyes, face…etc.), i couldn’t help but notice that i could easily place what years of my life each item came from. (ladies, i’m sure this will be the same case for you once you dare to organize that “dump drawer” you have for your make-up at home. i know you have one. we all do.) once things were sorted, i discovered i could line things up…chronologically. it went something like this: NYC, wet n’ wild, physician’s formula, l’ oreal, maybelline, covergirl, almay, clinique, elizabeth arden, lancome, i.d. minerals. i’m sure at this point i’ve lost my male readers, but as for the females, i hope you are all nodding with a smile.

little girl make-up with little girl prices gave way to big girl make-up with, you guessed it, big girl prices. i remember when my mother suddenly changed from forbidding me to wear eyeshadow to school in the eighth grade to taking me to the make-up counter at macy’s a year later and explaining that i shouldn’t buy “cheap” make-up because it was bad for my skin. this is the moment when little girls graduate from only caring what color a cosmetic item is to what’s in the item. so, with an air of nostalgia, i threw away pounds of little girl make-up, and sorted the rest neatly in zippered bags, and labeled them. labels are what big girls are made of.

i'll eat your lenscap for this treachery!

i'll eat your lenscap for this treachery!


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